Sooo… my daughter and I were walking to the car and she jokingly made the comment, “don’t want them to see the other YOU!”
I must say that her comment completely caught me off guard. Now I must admit that I can at times not be completely present all the time. Unfortunately, this is one of the moments where I was not present. So I have no idea what the context of her comment was, and I was kind of afraid to ask.
I didn’t want to know who “the other YOU” was from her perspective. So I thought about it for a moment…
What I do know about myself is that I can be a bit short fused. Like I can go from calm to rage in a matter of moments. But that’s usually after I’ve held it together for a long time, and it usually takes either the lack of food or sleep to bring out that rage. I recalled earlier that I had been fussing at her about not keeping up with her planner. I was having the repeated argument of how tired I was to constantly have to remind her of lessons, practices, activities, etc.
So as I’m rushing to get to take care of something that she failed to remind me of, I kind of lost it. Now mind you, this wasn’t somewhere we had to be at a certain time, however it was something that needed to be done this week and she failed to remember. The fact that I failed to eat lunch and was starving set-up the perfect storm for this moment.
Lately I’ve been focused on morning meditations in an attempt to control my level of calmness in all situations. This particular morning I didn’t have my meditation because I left my phone in the car. Later that day, while going through my meditations, the focus was on giving grace and compassion, even in situations that disappoint us.
I immediately questioned whether or not my level of frustration was warranted with her in that moment. Could my same message have been communicated without the semi-rage?
I later told her, as I have told my husband as well, that I am working on this area in my life. There are times when I don’t realize in the moment how escalated I have become. I told them that my new safe word is ZEN. Saying the word makes me aware of my emotions immediately. It also gives me a chance to calm down in the moment through meditative breathing.
I must admit that I have a small fear that my safe word will be taken advantage of, triggering another level of rage for feeling unheard. But hey, I guess I’ll deal with that mountain when I get to it.
In the meantime, I’ll continue to do the work so that my child doesn’t have to worry about people seeing, the other ME!
What areas in your life do you feel your family see a different side that you rarely show the public?